Happy Valentine’s Day - So what’s love got to do with it ....and how can we bring it on?
Love. Bring it on!
Enduring romantic love is commonly thought to be the most sought after, cried about, celebrated, and possibly the most elusive gift we can give ourselves in life.
Our human need for attraction, intimacy, sex, companionship, and connection are certainly highly ingrained and complex, all fraught with difficulty and can easily knock you for six – positively or negatively!
Can’t Help Falling in Love
Love of course comes in various forms as the Greeks knew so well, including romantic, familial love, and platonic love - and then there’s love for oneself or humanity as a whole. It is a fundamental aspect of human experience and plays a vital role in our personal growth, sense of self and overall well-being. Love helps us feel like we belong, gives us a sense of meaning and purpose and is usually the one thing older people say they hold most dear when they look back over their lives.
Falling in love.
Love is a Drug?
Yup. The initial happy feelings of being in love are stimulated by 3 chemicals in the brain: noradrenaline that stimulates that racing heart and sweaty palms; dopamine, the feel-good chemical; and phenylethylamine released when we're near our ‘target’, giving us feelings of excitement. Dopamine activates the reward circuit, helping to make love a pleasurable experience similar to the euphoria associated with use of cocaine or alcohol.
However, humans seek love for other reasons and it seems to be in our very biological make-up to seek companionship and closeness with another.
Human Companionship.
The Power of Love is.....Generosity
Being in love brings with it a state of generosity where we want to give our time, energy, and support to another. The very basis of relationship is often very much down to how generous we can allow ourselves to be with others. Generous with our time, our thoughts, our energy, and our minds and bodies. In contrast, when people feel an intense sense of lack in their lives - whether that be money, status, or self-acceptance, they may find it harder to let themselves fall in love and feel sufficiently generous enough towards someone else to keep a close connection going. The chances are they will feel less fulfilled in love until that fundamental lack is addressed.
So, it seems that much of human romantic love is about how generous we can allow ourselves to be and how much we are prepared to give to another person. Exploring ways to be in a position to be emotionally ‘generous’ is a very good start on the road to finding lasting love.
Lean on me.
What’s Love Got to do with it?
At its heart (excuse the pun), we know that romantic love is built on successful communication, appreciation, respect, trust and mutual understanding. It also requires patience, endless curiosity about the other and a huge amount of compassion. Quite a tall order. Oh and courage.....courage to let people in, to be vulnerable, and of course potentially get hurt.
Here is an interesting checklist of apparent ‘must-haves’ for the most successful partnerships:
Feelings of warmth, tenderness and fondness towards the other.
Physical attraction and chemistry.
Compassion and concern for the partner’s well-being, leading to actions that prioritise their happiness and fulfillment.
Finding joy in togetherness.
Gratitude – being openly and honestly appreciative of one another’s unique qualities.
Wanting to build a bonded connection that transcends proximity or superficial interactions.
Acceptance of the other person’s strengths and imperfections and wanting to find ways to support one another’s growth and happiness.
A consistent willingness to invest time, effort, and resources into nurturing the relationships, especially in the face of difficulties.
Sacrifice - sometimes willing to put the needs of the other above our own so their well-being becomes intrinsically linked to our own.
If any one of these factors is missing in the love equation, many relationship experts agree that the partnership will not be fulfilling.
Love is in the Air?
So, what can we do to make love easier and more forthcoming for ourselves? Here’s some relationship tips to get you thinking:
Talk to your partner about your feelings, desires, dreams, fears and concerns. Being able to say sorry and mean it also goes a long way. Ask questions. Debate the big and small topics that interest you. Consistently open communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
Pay attention to what your partner is saying without interrupting or judging. Validate their feelings and show empathy. Becoming defensive or overly critical of each other can cause needless damage.
Give open appreciation, regularly noticing what you like and are grateful for. Taking one another for granted is so much easier but we all thrive on appreciation.
Handle conflict quickly and safely - disagreements are inevitable and are not a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If you approach conflict with empathy, patience, and a willingness to compromise, they can be the making of your relationship. When we push issues under the carpet they fester and resentments and misunderstandings are then inevitable. Prioritise clearing the air and you’ll have clean air!
Look after yourself - physically, mentally, and emotionally. A healthy, well-rounded individual is better equipped to contribute positively to a relationship. Maintain your own friendships and hobbies and allow space for independence and personal growth. Our prime relationship cannot give us everything we need.
Be open to sexual and mental intimacy – sounds obvious but intimacy needs to be both. Being able to explore one another’s bodies and minds keeps the bond special and this is the major factor in keeping romance and passion alive so it’s not like just another friendship. Touch is also a powerful human need so don’t hold back on hands-on affection and lots of physical closeness.
Emotional Intimacy - and getting it on.
Prioritise laughter and fun – these are the elixirs of a good relationship. Keeping a sense of humour and injecting fun into life is so important. If you’re not having fun, prioritise activities that make these elements more forthcoming. If your relationship becomes just about children, chores, and making ends meet, it can quickly become a chore itself. This takes immense effort but is so worth it!
Getting to Know You – Try Asking Some Burning Questions
Curiosity about one another is vital and prevents boredom, misplaced assumptions and can help open up important new conversations and perspectives. Here are some questions to keep you talking, sharing and understanding one another:
Relationship Building Questions
What do you most appreciate about our relationship?
What are your top priorities right now?
What do you need from me to feel loved and appreciated?
What are your favourite memories of us?
What are you most worried about?
How can we navigate problems in a way that works for us both?
What sort of future can we envisage?
Do we vastly differ in values and principles?
How can we keep things special, fresh and romantic?
What could we do more of together and separately to enhance our lives?
Joy in togetherness.
Questions to explore for better understanding:
What would you like to do that you’ve never done?
If you couldn’t fall, what would you be doing?
What have you learnt from previous relationships?
What were you like aged 8....compare yourselves.
What are you most proud of and/or ashamed of in your past?
How would you like to be remembered?
Who do you most admire and why?
What drives you to distraction or gets you angry about people?
Staying curious and asking questions builds bonds.
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.
We all know that love can go terribly wrong if not handled with care. Here are the 4 major red flag issues to look out for:
1) Consistent lack of communication - whether it's avoidance of important topics, stonewalling, or unwillingness to listen, take a step back and find out where the blocks are.
2) Controlling or negligent behaviour – if your partner makes decisions without considering how it might impact you or insists on always doing things their way, this usually is a sign of a lack of respect for boundaries and autonomy. Without respect, love will falter. This of course includes any serious physical or mental pressure to comply with the other’s needs.
3) Dishonesty - Trust is essential in any relationship. If you notice consistent dishonesty or betrayal of trust, it's a significant red flag. This includes lying about significant matters, withholding important information, or being unfaithful. Being unfaithful is often too easily seen to be just about having sex but maintaining secret connections or acting as if you are single is far from harmless. Even just lying about everyday things to save your partner’s feelings will quickly corrode any sense of safety between you.
4) Taking responsibility - In healthy relationships, both partners take responsibility for their actions and behaviour, without blaming the other. If one partner consistently refuses to take accountability for their mistakes or blames others for their problems, the dynamic quickly becomes toxic, and resolving conflicts is almost impossible.
Heartbreak and sadness.
Seeking Help – Get Down On It!
If you’re finding love to be a minefield or simply elusive, getting some help can make all the difference. Without love and closeness, our well-being and even sense of identity can quickly diminish. Relationships are complex and demanding and it can be easier to avoid them but at what cost to the quality of our lives?
By finding out how your unconscious beliefs and past experiences effect your thoughts and behaviour, new perspectives and understandings can quickly emerge to help you break unwanted patterns.
With the techniques of hypnotherapy, we can all learn to better understand ourselves and our motivations, reframe and let go of the past and be clearer on what we want for the future. We are then in a far better position to enter into any partnership with an open mind and an open heart.
Alison Scott Hypnotherapy - with Bonnie.
With love and laughter on Valentine’s Day!
Call me on 07989 535527 for a free initial consultation.